The Closet

I am overjoyed to find a blog site and finally, my interest for writing diaries came back to life. It was two decades ago since I stopped writing. I thought that it is reserved for single women who look at diaries as their “emotional closets”. In my diaries, I had to use figurative words so that even if someone accidentally or intentionally reads it, I wouldn’t be exposing much of my cherished privacy.

It is funny to think that people are now actually allowing their thoughts and innermost feelings be known to the world via the web, and it dawns on me that human beings really wanted to be heard but are afraid to accept what people will say or think about how they feel. Now that revelations of life are posted every second on blogsites, it just proves that people needs attention, they want the world to know, but still afraid to reveal themselves thus hiding in aliases. I am not actually talking about articles posted on blog sites in general. Let me be clear that I am speaking for myself and probably for others who have the same line of thinking about diaries as “emotional closet”.

My diaries then are filled mostly of my romantic encounters, starting from petty things like being smiled at by a crush, simple dates, receiving gifts, flowers and hearing words of endearment up to culmination of a relationship. Pages open up too for new life episodes, the rise and fall, the heaps of the hearts and the sighs of love.

I could only smile while reading them all over again. I realized how silly I’ve been and probably seeing my own daughter doing what I wrote about myself there --- would make me raise my eyebrows. Yet, I am sillier now, because I can no longer relate to who I was back then, especially --- when my age started to fly off the calendar leaves. It has all become illogical. But I do remember the exact feeling and it makes me go back down the memory lane. Just the feeling --- but no longer the love or admiration for the --- then object of my affection.

Diaries are like photographs of our past. It shows the impulsiveness of our decisions, the restless youth we’ve lived, the shallow happiness, the meaning of everything in just one stroke of the pen. You see your smiles, your pains, frustration, yet most of all, you see your victories. How you triumphed over life’s battle. You see yourself, slowly being formed into a new and a stronger person --- the hand of God who cradled you while you couldn’t walk and the blessings he carefully prepared for you.

Closets --- as it name implies are closed most of the time; some are even provided with lock or security gadgets. It is where we put our treasured possessions. We protect what’s inside it from the dust, a thief, sometimes even from people who are close to us. We only choose what we want to put out in the open and returns to it what we think belongs there for the time being. Closets are also shelter to some, a hiding space, a comfort zone, a place of retreat, and where you can be your true self.

I love diaries. And I never realized it until now. Just give me a minute I’ll just get inside my closet.